最近在臉書上加入一個社團，它是來自世界各地的中國人分享移民或融入當地生活過程的一個社團，看到好多人精彩、激勵、感人及生動有趣的文筆，也喚起我對中文的回憶及情感。畢竟這是我的母語。許多意念的表達還是用自己的母語最貼切了。在暫居或移民至海外的人，不少人對語言多少會經歷些障礙或掙扎。我記得剛來美國修碩士班的社會學理論，坐在客堂裏，教授講說什麼，我是一頭霧水，連筆記都不知道從何下手，想想在大學時，同學們在考試時，常向我借筆記，而今我卻是鴨子聽雷，有聽沒有懂，那種欲哭無淚的感覺實在難以言喻。至那時前，我在臺灣求學期間雖非名列前茅，但一帆風順，好歹也進了國立大學，令我無法理解的是，怎麼人換了一個地方居然變笨了，書都不知從何讀起，挫折連連。掙扎了一段時日，決定拉下顏面，放下過往別人給予的定位，從零開始，重新來過，既然無法功成名就，那就從做個基本的人開始好了。雖然這是我這一生中最黑暗及痛苦的一段時期，但是對我受益無窮。＂人的盡頭，就是神的起頭＂這句話一點也沒錯，經過數年的尋找後，神讓我尋見祂，也替我開了門，讓我在日後遇到什麼難處，我都可以依靠這位信實的神。也因為這段失敗的經歷，讓我更有同情心及同理心，奠定我待人的基本態度。
在我還不認識神的時候，不記得祂如何給了我兩句話，讓我在人生的低谷中堅強的走下去，也願這話能供應給那需要的人。以賽亞書42:3a “壓傷的蘆葦，他不折斷；將殘的燈火，他不吹滅 。”
以上是當我在社團讀到許多動人的故事時，引起我對語言有更多感觸而補加的。以下是我在2020年六月剛開始寫部落格時寫的 (最近也稍做些補充及修改)。
好一陣子沒有用中文長篇大論書寫東西了，因為要寫部落格，逼著我把中文一字字用注音拼岀來，許多字還不知道要選那個才正確，這讓我想到語言這個有趣的話題。(現在回頭想) 前兩篇部落格文章英文版在前，因為我内心的有感而發是來自英文構思，而這篇的想法卻是源起中文。
我想起1984剛到美國，甚至一直到1988開始工作時，無論與人交談或是用英文書寫，記得是用中文思索，然後經由腦部翻譯的過程後才用英文表達岀來。不知從何時想事情變成英文了，我猜可能也不全然是英文，而是中英夾雜，就像我跟我女兒們講話一樣，因為我似乎已無法不經思索只單一用同一種語言的所有詞彙了。其實我很感激剛出來工作認識的幾個老同事，他們會不厭其煩的幫我修改公文中的英文；當我無法表達我想說的意思時，他們會有耐心的猜測或糾正我的英文；在沒有谷哥的時代，也有人會上圖書館找資料回答我一堆習俗文化的問題，滿足我的好奇心。他們或許不覺得這有什麼大不了的，但我對他們的幫助卻永記銘心。
不要小看語言對人的影響力，記得岀國多年後回臺灣玩，有些同學用的詞彙我已無法理解，竟造成我當時有認知失調的疏離感。
I recently joined a group on Facebook. It is a group where Chinese people from all over the world share their immigration stories and how they integrated themselves into local life. Seeing the many wonderful, interesting and encouraging articles in Chinese brings back my own memories and emotions about the Chinese language. After all, Chinese is my mother language and many ideas are easier to express. Many people who live temporarily or immigrate overseas might experience some obstacles or struggles with the language. I remember when I first came to the United States to study sociology in a master degree program, I sat in the classroom for a sociology theory class and I felt so lost when I listened to the professor lecturing. I didn’t even know where to start taking the notes. Back in the college years in Taiwan, my classmates often borrowed notes from me. But now I was unable to take any notes. I just wanted to cry when I sat there. Until then, although I was not the best while studying in Taiwan, I went through a very tough competitive exam and got admitted into a high-ranked national university. Yet, now I couldn’t understand how I had become so dumb when I moved to America. I did not know how to study and how to take notes. Setbacks continued. After struggling for a period of time, I decided to lose face, let go of other’s expectations, start from scratch, and start over. Since I couldn’t be successful in studying, I decided to simply just be a person. Although this is the darkest and painful period of my life, it has benefited me immensely. “The end of man is the beginning of God” is not wrong at all. After years of searching, God opened the door and led me to Him so that I can rely on this faithful God when I encounter any difficulties. Because of this experience of failure, it also made me more compassionate and with more empathy toward others. It helps me to lay the foundation of my way of treating others.
While I didn’t know God, somehow He supplied me with a verse to help me to get through the tough situations. I hope this verse can also be a supply for those in need. Isaiah 42:3a “A bruised reed He will not break; And a dimly burning flax He will not extinguish;”
The above is what I added as I saw the many touching stories which reminded me about my own struggles in foreign language. Below was written in June of 2020 when I first started writing a blog. (I have recently made some additions and modifications to it).
I haven’t written in Chinese for a while. I do not know how to input Chinese words using a normal keyboard. To write this blog in Chinese, I have to input the phonetics one by one using the touch keyboard on screen then choose the right character. This leads me to think about “language”. The first two blog posts I wrote in English first because those thoughts are in English (in retrospect-I guess). But this one is written in Chinese first because I think about this topic in Chinese.
I remembered at the time when I came to the U.S. in 1984 till I started working in 1988. When I communicated with people either through writing or speaking, I would think about the response in Chinese first then translate it in my head to English before I rendered the response. I do not know since when I used English in autopilot mode without the translation process. I doubt my brain would use English completely. Most likely it would be half English mixed with half Chinese, just like when I speak to my kids. For me, some vocabulary is more natural in English but some others in Chinese. I am very grateful to the old colleagues whom I met in my early work life. They did not mind in helping me and correcting my English in the memos; when I cannot express what I want to say, they will patiently guess or correct my English in a helpful way; in the absence of google era, some of them would even go to the library to find the answers for my questions regarding American custom and culture to satisfy my curiosity. They may not think it is a big deal, but I will always remember and appreciate their help.
Don’t overlook the impact of a language on a person. I remembered I went back to visit Taiwan years ago after I came to the U.S.. I was unable to understand a few vocabulary words that my friends used. I felt I was in an identity crisis. Isolation and loneliness saddened me at that time.
PTL Life 